As all of my Challah-back girls know, tonight marks the first night of Passover. No doubt that your Instagram stories are going to be filled with photos of Seder tables and your newsfeed will be flooded with “Chag Sameach!!” status updates.
Since tonight is the first Seder, this may be your first time meeting your Jewish boyfriend’s family. The process of meeting a significant other’s family not only totally sucks, but is totally terrifying. Obviously, the biggest annoyance is that we want these people to actually approve of us, which also requires pretending to give a fuck about things like the political shitshow that is the US and how the stock market is doing.
There are a few things you should know before meeting Bae’s family to ensure they love you from the minute you walk in and ignore their over-excited pets. I’ve compiled a list of the biggest, yet most basic do’s and don’ts of meeting the fam to ensure you get invited back for Rosh Hashanah.
DO: Bring a gift to dinner
Everyone likes presents, and your boyfriend’s family is no exception. Step 1 to making a good impression is bring something to dinner. It shows that you’re thankful that you were invited, and that you’re thoughtful and care about someone other than yourself (they don’t have to know that you’re lying).
DON’T: Wear something too revealing to the Seder Table.
Even though Moses said to Pharaoh, “Let my people go”, that is not an invitation to let your boobs be free from slavery and oppression. Keep it classy, not trashy. Enough said.
DO: Talk about how much of a Nice Jewish Girl you are*
All a Jewish mom wants is for her Nice Jewish Boy of a son to meet a Nice Jewish Girl and make some Nice Jewish Babies. Get her fired up by telling her how much of a Nice Jewish Girl you are. Topics of conversation include; your bat mitzvah, what camp you went to, and that you went to Hillel and/or Chabad for Shabbat every week in university. Ok so you haven’t been to synagogue in 5 years, but she doesn’t need to know that. Bonus points if you and his Mamabear play a round or two of Jewish Geography.
*If you in fact are NOT Jewish but are dating a Jewish guy, then act super interested and enthusiastic about all things Passover. Pretend it is just as fun as Christmas and you’re like totally down with Moses and are eager to learn. Pull a Charlotte and become their Shiksa Goddess.
DON’T: Get so drunk that you overshare about your life to his great-aunt… or any other relative for that matter
Sitting through a boring one-hour reading of the Haggadah at the Seder table – any food in your tummy + lots of wine = shwasted. Continue to keep it classy and try to avoid getting so blackout that you let his whole family know every graphic detail about how you lost your V-card in the 10th grade. However, this rule doesn’t only apply to your virginity story, it applies to ANY AND EVERY embarrassing story you may have. His third cousin once removed doesn’t need to hear that shit.
DO: Compliment his bubby’s cooking
I know you’re doing the Whole30 diet, and eating oranges like no tomorrow, but the second that his bubby puts her homemade brisket in front of you, you automatically ditch all dieting, no excuses. No Jewish grandmother likes to see someone a) not eating her food, and b) not hearing how good her food is. So, if you want good ol’ Bubs to give her stamp of approval, make sure you eat everything up, and you don’t shut up about how good her food is either, even if you feel yourself gaining 5 pounds.
DON’T: Throw up from drinking too much Manischewitz
Just because you will have unlimited amounts of wine at your disposal at the table doesn’t mean you should keep drinking the unlimited amounts of wine that are at your disposal. Puking is never cute, especially not at a family dinner. You’re not in university anymore, you’re an actual adult now (fuck), so make sure you stay within your limit, for God’s sake.
Follow these golden rules and you’ll win the family over in no time. Literally, it’s not that hard. Do a good job at dinner, and your boyfriend will make you happier than a kid who just found the Afikoman, if you know what I mean.
By: Hunter Sol