1. The Realization
The weekend has come and gone, however that pizza and box of wine has unfortunately stuck with you, and firmly latched itself onto your hips. You’re feeling sluggish, insecure, and unsexy.
So what do you do? Cry? Always.
Watch Grace and Frankie on Netflix? It’s never turned off.
Or, do you bust up a sweat at the gym and actually burn off all of the unwanted calories? Seems like I’m being attacked… but okay.
2. The Contemplation
This is arguably the hardest (and longest) part of the entire workout. It’s a complete mind game between you and yourself. Me to me: “Will there even be enough time to get a reeeeeal workout in?”, “Shit, now I’m going to have to wash my hair tonight”, “I mean if I eat now then I can’t work out for like another hour, but in another hour I might be hungry again”, “I saw one cloud in the sky earlier, perhaps a little too chancy to leave the house”, “I should probably reorganize my sweaters instead”. Once, as a way to get out of going to the gym, I managed to convince myself that I was getting a little toooo attractive and needed to tone myself down. *cue the laughter* Nothing is a lie if you believe it.
3. Making Moves
You’ve fully committed, get that bread girl. There is no turning back now. You have your headphones in and you’re looking fly asf in your Lululemon. You’re ready to make this workout your bitch. You walk by all the “regularly” dressed people, who are not about to workout, and you can’t help but pity them. You know that they wish that they were you. They wish that they had your motivation. But above all — they wish that they had your ass in those leggings.
4. The Arrival
You get to the gym, quickly gag, remove your jacket, and head to the cardio room. You see a stone cold fox in the corner of your eye biking. After quickly planning the wedding and deciding the names of your kids, you’re ready to go. Maintaining a visual of him the entire time while working out is crucial *cue Fergie* while you’re working on your fitness he’s your witness, ooh wee. You hop on the treadmill, fully expecting to run no less than 10 miles. The first minute is a breeeeeeze, you even decide to crank up the pace. At this time you question whether or not you should pursue a career as a professional athlete. However, once you round the second minute, your mood quickly changes. You realize that you may have been a tad overambitious with this whole ‘working out’ thing. You’re ready to finagle a deal with the Devil just to make the pain subside. Once the breathing becomes so loud that it interferes with hearing your music, you GTFO and do not look back. Of course, you are not completely done with the deed — there is some more gas in the tank. You go on the stair master for ten minutes, find your way to a weight machine that you have absolutely no idea what it does, do some light abs, and call it a day. Success.
5. The Glory
You did it. You’re on cloud nine and you should be! However, you’re not entirely done. You have to make sure that everyone and their mother knows that you worked out. Slyly slide it into conversation whenever and wherever you can. Some examples may include: Random person: “Oh hey, did you talk to Rachel today?” You: “Yeah, I called her after I worked out”. Random person: “Did you finish that proposal?” You: “No, I’ve been really busy, I worked out today”. Random person: “What are you gonna have for dinner?” You: “Something loaded with carbs. I don’t feel bad because I worked out ya know” Random person: “Hi.” You: “I’m so tired from working out”. Make sure that no person leaves your presence without the knowledge that you worked out today. Remember: If you don’t tell everyone, then it didn’t happen. Fact.
By: Midge Loiselle