The Promoter Guy

The problem with promoter guys is you usually end up falling for him after one too many comp’ed vodka sodas and think he’s actually worthwhile. Little do you know that the promoter guy probably has you on a roster, your Wednesday at 1OAK and Ashley is Saturday at Hyde. Although this guy may seem fun at first, well-connected, high energy, and will have you hooked up in the best VIP booth- he’s not actual hook up material, let alone boyfriend material. Keep him around for line bypass and the wristbands and that’s about it.

The Finance Bro

The finance bro will always love his job more than he loves you. Your first sign to run should’ve been the fact that he idolizes Patrick Bateman and boasts about his yearly salary. He’ll treat you like shit and think it’s okay because he thinks he has the money to buy your love. You might feel like a princess at first, but soon you’ll realize you rather watch paint dry then have to go on a date with someone who spends 95% of the time on his blackberry and the other 5% talking to you about investment bonds. I did not turn off the Kardashians to listen to this bullshit.

The Wannabe DJ

This Wannabe DJ is probably still living in his mom’s basement, trying to convince her and you both that he’s gonna make it big one day. In my experience, he probably has some kind of drug addiction, whether it be coke or pills, and tries to convince you that it helps him with his “artistic process,” whatever the fuck that means. You’ll think he’s edgy and cool until he tries to write some shitty elevator music inspired song for you in lieu of a birthday present.

The Man Child

The Man Child is an older man who’s age fools you into thinking he’s more mature than the typical guy you date around your age range. However, the reason why the Man Child is 36 and single is really because he refuses to settle down. He dates younger girls because girls around his age are pressuring him to start a family. I mean, you may not that right now either, but this dude honestly never grows up and will probably trade you in for the next younger thing before you can say wrinkle cream.

The Unemployed Loser

The Unemployed Loser is similar to the wannabe DJ in that he too lives in his mom’s basement, but the difference is the unemployed losers have absolutely no goals. They’re content with mooching off you and you footing the bill. His idea of a date is you coming over to play video games and scratch his arm while he eats cheetoes. Ahhh, sweet sweet romance. Honestly, he’s the worst of all the douchebags, because not only does he not care about you- he doesn’t care about himself. Boy byeeee.