“Can you believe she’s wearing that?” I yelled at my TV as I sat rubbing Dorito dust on my all-grey sweatpant ensemble. Last night, at the 2018 Emmy’s, celebrities were supposed to flock to the red carpet in their best dressed couture, and yet it always boggles me how they manage to look like they raided the Saks Off 5th my spinster aunt Carol frequents (and raves about).

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You’re offered the latest and greatest looks off the runway and you went out of your way to look like a pink used napkin at my 7th grade birthday party, Tracee??? I’m not going to even preface this with the walking homage to the butterfly princess Mariah Carey that Alexis Bleidel was sporting last night, but like any good member of the lambily, I have to to tell you to use those butterflies to fly you off that carpet and back into a stylists office.


Anyway, let’s get to the business of how Hollywood stylists and designers are sabotaging their clients! 

Alexis Bledel

alexis bledel emmys 2018

I’m not really quite sure why she thought this bat mitzvah-esque dress that looks like she peed herself was a good idea. It’s safe to say she didn’t get the Emmy because they were like “not in that dress, honey”. Particularly disappointing because Milo Ventimiglia was in the room. If only she didn’t look like whatever Easter disaster this is, we could have had a chance at a Jess & Rory reunion. Dreams. Crushed.

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Samantha Bee

samantha bee emmys 2018

Why does she look like she’s going to a Star Trek convention? Why did she just ask me if I want pretzels or cookies on some budget airline? This dress tried to go in so many different directions and just ended up looking like something you’d find in a Goodwill bin from the 80’s. Nexttttt.

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Michelle Wolf

michelle wolf emmys 2018

Oh great. Some more costumes. Here we have Michelle Wolf with a Disney villain cosplay. The horns at the top of the dress are honestly triggering me. Where is her stylist?! I just want to talk.

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Leslie Jones


She looks like Lisa Frank threw up on her and this is coming from someone who is obsessed with pink. The hem and fit of the pants are also just so off. I did not order this cotton candy/starbucks unicorn frappucino mess. Take it back.

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Tiffany Haddish

tiffany haddish emmys 2018

Tiffany Haddish dressed up as the parachute game we all played in elementary school, which is kind of growing on me- tbh that game was amazing and so is she. But if i’m being harsh here, Tiffany, we know you’re the funniest comedian, you don’t have to dress up like a clown.

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Tina Fey

tina fey emmys 2018

This dress could work in theory, but she really threw me off with that heavy Western belt she probably (definitely) stole from her husbands closet. Also, why does her hair look like she just got back from a Pilates class. Please do more, Tina.

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Laura Dern

laura dern emmys 2018

Swing and a miss with this boardroom BDSM robotic armour dress. Don’t even get me started on the awkward pearl necklace. Does she own a mirror? Matronly tin man vibes.

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Suzanne Cryer

suzanne cryer emmy 2018

Since when were floral suits a thing? *Gretchen Weiners voice* Stop trying to make floral suits a thing, it’s just not going to happen!

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Tina Lifford

tina lifford emmy 2018

There’s a fine distinction between being extra and doing waaaaay too much, and we all know where Tina Lifford stands. I’m honestly just confused- tweed with multi-coloured leopard print? The leather over-the-knee boots? The Michaels craft store flower detailing? There are just no words. *throws phone across the room*

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Yara Shahidi

yara shahidi emmy 2018

Looks like Yara Shahidi has fallen victim to the AliExpress prom dress section. Looks cute in theory, but screams “made in China” once it arrives. Yara, I really hope there’s a good return policy. P.S. I refuse to discuss the unibrow.

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Louise Roe

louise roe emmy 2018

You would think someone who critiques outfits for a living would show up to the red carpet in something less offensive, but no. Louise just had to go with this prison-inspired wrinkled dress. Let me do your job for you, Louise, Beetlejuice called- he wants his outfit back.

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Tatiana Maslany

tatiana maslany emmy 2018

Pant suit! Neon! Both trends that are v in right now, but she just really missed the mark on them. Stick to one trend, Tatiana. There’s also just way too much fabric here, uncinch that parachute and fly back to wherever you came from.

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Emilia Clarke

emilia clarke emmy 2018

How can someone manage to make sheer lace so unsexy? This whole dress makes me uncomfortable- the neckline is very off and the fit makes her torso look weirdly long. We want couture, not curtains. This is the dress I would get if I asked my grandmother to make me a lace dress.

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Well that’s a wrap, not because I’ve ran out of ugly outfits to bitch about, but because there are just too many. It’s like an unending sea of fug. Joan Rivers must be rolling in her grave. RIP – we miss you Joan.

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