As I sit here writing this through my hysteric sobbing, I have the unfortunate duty of reporting that April 2nd, 2018 is officially the day love truly died. Yeah, I know everyone says that whenever a Hollywood couple splits up (we’re looking at you, Brangelina), but I legit mean it this time. One of the hottest couples to ever exist, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum have officially announced their separation after nearly nine years of marriage.
No, this is not some lame belated April Fools Joke. They’re actually divorcing. I’m not going to lie, hearing the news literally made me feel as if my parents just got divorced. Like, I am absolutely speechless, and really have nothing to say other than I am legit in mourning, but I’m still going to say shit because when do I not, and the people need answers.
Channing and Jenna first started dating in 2006, back when Britney Spears was partying commando and we didn’t live in constant fear of Russia hacking all forms of social media…much simpler times. They then went on to get married, and have a pretty baby, basically slay every single red carpet they were on, and live out the Hollywood fairy-tale.
After over a decade of being the only reason that I believed that love truly existed and I wasn’t doomed for a life of meaningless, drunken hookups, this news really hit me in the heart… aka made me realize I actually have a heart, so I guess one good thing came out of this.
Channing and Jenna announced their trip to Splitsville in a joint statement late Monday afternoon that started off with “Hey World! So…We have something we would like to share.”, before delivering this crushing blow. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK GUYS. THAT IS WAY TOO CASUAL FOR THIS BULLSHIT, I FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED.
Other than their joint statement, which can be found on both of their social media accounts, they said that they won’t be commenting any further, meaning we just have to basically sit here and accept it?? Not cool Chan and Jenna, not cool at all.
Details about their separation are as I’ll just be over here waiting for the TMZ notification with the real reason why you decided to separate/divorce/conscious uncouple/ idk what to call it but fuck this decision.
We might never know exactly what went wrong with Channing and Jenna, but they’re both hot as hell, and by the time you’re done reading this, they’ve probably already found people to rebound with, or decided to call this whole spit off and stay together. Who knows, maybe Channing will make a career switch and become Magic Mike in real life.
Am I being delusional? Probably. Sorry, Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum broke up, and I just have a lot of feelings. I swear, Blake and Ryan better not break up this year or I’ll lose it! Excuse me, I am going to go cry into my wine while watching Step Up.
By: Hunter Sol