As I said before, the Oscars are Hollywood’s prom (duh). What would prom be without some beautiful gowns, hot dates, and judging how people are dressed? Before we all listen to Giuliana Rancic talk about the dresses from tonight, let’s all channel our inner Joan Rivers and look at the ghosts of god-foresaken Oscar outfits of the past.
Tilda Swinton – 2008
Tilda Swinton’s outfit for the 2008 red carpet can only be described as “garbage-bag chic”. it looks like she grabbed a few dozen Hefty bags and strategtically tied them together to create a gown. This dress brings me back to the days of college parties where the theme was Anything But Clothes and I had to improvise with what to wear.
Charlize Theron – 2010
Charlize, Charlize, Charlize. What is up with this dress? You should’ve just taken the bulls-eyes that you mistook for a gown, and gone home. No one appreciated those weird rosebud pasties on your gown, it looked like you were going for a classy stripper look.
Jennifer Lopez – 2010
I don’t think Jennifer Lopez has ever had a bad outfit. Ever. This girl could make a groufit look good. However, the only bad one she’s ever had was at the 2010 Oscars. This dress looks like what would happen if the Tooth Fairy and a toilet paper roll had sex and reproduced. Luckily, this was 8 years ago, and she’s more than redeemed herself but my heart still hurts everytime I see this.
Kate Mara – 2012
Just like your high-school boyfriend, this dress had potential. The weird off the shoulder thing Kate has going on looks like her dress got caught in the doorframe and ripped it. It also looks like she’s hosting a family of butterflies on the bottom of her dress the way those odd sparkly fabric clumps are just chilling. Pretty dress colour though!
Anne Hathaway – 2013
Anne Hathaway, just not killing it with these Oscars lists. In 2013, Anne became Oscar-zilla, and threw a fit when she found out that a dress that was similar to her chosen Valentino dress would be worn on the red carpet, causing her to wear Prada instead. Anne’s nips must have been her plus-one on the red carpet that year, because they were all anyone could see, perkier than anyone’s ever seen them. The amount of side boob that was showing didn’t help her cause, and this will forever be the nipp-iest dress in Oscar history.
Kristen Chenoweth – 2013
Former Good Witch Glinda of the North Kristen Chenoweth looked like she was going for a gothic vibe of her former Broadway character. However, The sparkles and excess of tulle makes her look more like she’s dressed to go to her junior prom in this dress. Kristen also just shouldn’t be wearing a black dress period, that’s Elphaba’s job, god.
Lady Gaga – 2015
Lady Gaga wearing one of the worst Oscar dresses in recent memory?? What a SURPRISE!!! This whole ensemble looks like Gaga had to clean the kitchen at 5:45 pm, but be on the Oscar red carpet at 6:00 pm. The red gloves look bulky and take away from what could’ve been a killer outfit.
Heidi Klum – 2016
For someone who hosted Project Runway, you would expect Heidi’s outfit to be on fleek. This dress reminds me of a mixture of some Princess Barbie butterfly bullshit and cotton candy ice cream, which is why this outfit makes me wonder if she was high when she chose this outfit.
Dakota Johnson – 2017
I’m not really surprised that Dakota Johnson ended up on this list with her outfit from last year’s awards. As she does spend most of her time naked/in lingerie/bound in whips and chains, her sense of style is most certainly slacking. Pro Tip for Dakota—When you’re going to an awards ceremony, try not to dress like the award!
Hailee Steinfield – 2017
Hailee Steinfeld’s sheer dress reminds me of my Bubby’s shower curtain – sheer, flowery, and doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. Even looking at photos on my computer, I can see that everything she has to flaunt. There was just too much going on with this dress, but at least her makeup looked great!!!